My Catalyst: Living in Limbo
It’s day thirteen since mum was rushed to hospital. It was my first time in an emergency resuscitation room, somewhere I hope never return to. Thirteen days of sitting next to mum holding her hand, whispering encouragement, singing songs, telling her how much we all love her and waiting. Waiting for any sign that she will be OK and come through this. We take one step forward and two steps back, at least there are steps. Today mum is propped up, she has eaten some food and has smiled. The recognition is no longer there, but a squeeze of my hand makes everything a lot more bearable. We will not resuscitate echoes constantly through my head, we can only make her comfortable and hope for the best. Well I am hoping for the best, today is brighter than yesterday.
My outside life, my family, my friends and work all in limbo.
I do occasionally manage the odd tweet and am grateful for the wonderful support. I know these beautiful women are all going through a lot too; Trish My Little Drummer Boys, Eden Riley Edenland, Renee About a Bugg, Cate Bolt Foundation 18 and Beth Baby Mac all have something major to deal with in their head-space right now, it’s tough, it’s life, it can rip out your heart and step on it real hard yet we continue one way or another we continue and we pull through.
I know there are many in worse situations than me thirteen days in hospital I have seen and heard the most painful heart wrenching cries and screams from families and patients, from the very young to the very old. We all have pain, pain is non comparable pain is hurting and we all hurt sometimes. A hospital is a highly intense vacuum of emotions from the euphoric news of someone making it through, a new birth, and the gut wrenching horrific news that changes peoples lifes forever.
At present all the days and hours are a blended blur. Initially my heart would pound so hard as my mind would keep going over and over,the worry for my mother, the guilt of not seeing my children, the amount of work piling up, the mess at home, my general lack of hygiene and appearance but slowly my mind has quieten down, my energies focusing on mum and the moments I get to return home to my Mr and my children. It has been my catalyst.
Being out of the loop has actually been good for me, it has been my catalyst to continue being who I am. I use question who I am and what I do daily. I feel weak yet internally stronger and the passion for my family, my work and my life is definitely heightened.
My Catalyst and Lessons Learnt
1) When you have to stop the world continues.
2) Listening 100% with no distractions as in technology creates an awesome connection.
4) If you see an injustice, stand up and voice how you feel.
5) Every one has a story if you have the time to listen it can make a difference.
6) Being grateful for lots of little things does help with emotions and perception.
7) Quality time doesn’t mean a long time, small bits of quality time make a major difference.
8) Making patients laugh is the best medicine.
9) I have a warped and very sarcastic sense of humour, probably due to lack of sleep.
10) You need to have a passion and genuine care to work in hospital. The nurses are amazing. Some doctors need to work on their bedside manner and their high and mighty “I’m a doctor” attitude, especially interns who speak so rudely to nurses.
11) I can now officially sleep anywhere
12) I can only do what I can on any given day.
13) Life will always have ups and downs. The difference comes with the attitude I do things.
14) Magazines all have the same articles; lose weight, change your life & gossip. Blah, blah blah.
15) A smile makes a difference.
16) I appreciate all my clients and all the children I work with being so understanding in my lack of contact.
17) I cancelled my trip to Blog Her and instead hope for a mini break with my family.
18) My inner strength and perseverance is pretty good. I completed one of those giagantour crossword puzzles.
19) My passion for Easy Peasy Kids and Blogging for Good Causes is firing internally on all cylinders for when I eventually return to work. I have an amazing auction lined up.
20) OMG thank you for all your support and I know it’s not a numbers thing but hey I’ve reached 5000 likers on Facebook.
22) You can seize moment to make a change.The hospital car park machine broke and on the spur of the moment I asked people to donate half of what they would have paid for parking to Foundation 18. They all did raising $146 in under thirty minutes. Thank you to Will for his $25 donation
23) The elderly male patient next to mum, never receives the Vegemite he requests for breakfast, I bought him a jar of Vegemite. Apparently I will always have a place in his heart. Proof that little things make a difference.
24) It’s OK to cry . I can now cry when someone just says hello. I put this down to emotional exhaustion or human connection.
25) Human Behaviour is complex, don’t try and over analyse everything. You will not have a fantastic amazing connection with everyone you meet, no matter how hard you try. This is not your fault. Their loss not yours.
26) Alzheimer’s has taught me more than I could ever imagine.
27) Explaining Eminem rap music to elderly Mr H and have him listening to Eminem’s music on my iPod warms my heart.
28) My children have survived a diet of dim sims, pizza, ice-cream and toffee apples.
29) Grateful to the mother at Mr 7’s School who surprised me with a home-made lasagna. I owe you a lunch date. Thank you to my friends K, J, M, S and M for everything you have done; listening to me, your messages, sitting with me, bringing me food and collecting Mr 7.
30) I pick up a lot of stuff subliminally.Having run out of clean clothes I rushed out to buy some jeans. Purchasing some bright red ones on impulse as I was drawn to them. On returning to the hospital I now blend in with their exact coloured red laundry baskets.
31) Darling Mr, Miss 16 and Mr 7 I love you so much, thank you for being wonderfully you.