Alzheimer’s; The long goodbye “I love you mum”
As many of you have shared my journey with my mother and her Alzheimer’s I want to thank you all so very much from the whole of my heart for all your support, your beautiful messages, the gorgeous flowers, the heartfelt written cards, messages and comments and the very thoughtful gifts. The blogging community of inspiring friends has come together and rallied round and the GIANT hug I have felt has meant so much to me that when I see you all next be ready for the hug of your life.
As you have been with me through all my ups and many of my downs this is the eulogy I read for my beautiful mum Carmen.
“These are the toughest words I have ever had to put together there is so much I want to say about my mother Carmen that it is difficult to know where to start and where to end, I could speak for hours about her amazing qualities.
We all knew Carmen and I believe we all know that the essence of who she was came straight from her heart. Carmen was kind, compassionate, empathetic, and so very generous to everyone, regardless of the person’s background, social standing, or religious beliefs. She would walk a mile in the opposite direction, to do a good turn for a complete stranger. I remember being around five years old when we had just returned from a holiday in Spain and two students were crying at the airport. Mum walked over to see if she could help. She did help the two students; they came to stay the night with us and ended up living with us for six months. Our house always had someone extra or two or three staying; no one was ever turned away.
Carmen was thoughtful, decent, honest and had a laugh and smile that would light up the most darkest corner. She was very trusting and would always look for the good in people and the bigger picture to what else might be happening in someone’s life. Everyone has a story she would say – she had her own and she inadvertently bought out the best in everyone she met.
Born in 1932, she told stories of her life during the war and how she would take food parcels up to the soldiers hiding in the mountains. Her father Raphael and mother Antonia owned the main shop in the village in El Palo – Malaga, where she served customers and cleaned up after the donkey who actually resided in the shop behind the counter. She spoke of her love for her brothers Rafalito and Isidro who were always getting into mischief and the great loving bond she had with her sisters, Toni, Conchi, and Susana.
Carmen helped raise her sister’s children and the passion she had for kids translated into her becoming a paediatric nurse. The love she showered on her grandchildren, Chareen, Rebecca, Stephanie and little Ian can only be described as all encompassing tenderness of unconditional love. They loved their ‘Lela’ so very much because ‘Lela’ when with them would give them her all. The love and kindness she gave them will remain and live with them forever.
Mum loved to party, and would attend every Spanish event possible and if for some reason there was no party to attend, then our house would be the party as it filled with her friends. Lots of Spanish food, Flamenco dancing and then if you begged her Carmen would sing. Carmen had a singing voice that could bring tears to your eyes. My dad Aurelio would always ask her to sing, he too loved a party and now he has his singing angel by his side.
Many of you here never met Carmen before she had Alzheimer’s, she was a very hard worker and did all she could for her family and others, always on the go, always with something to do or someone to help. With impeccable manner; writing thank you cards and never forgetting anyone she knew, making visits and phone calls to make sure everyone was OK. Carmen was a vibrant lady yet full of humility. Her dedication to helping others was who she was. She touched our lives with and without Alzheimer’s.
In a way many of us have been saying goodbye to Carmen for the last four years. Alzheimer’s started to change who she was, yet in never ever took away her kindness, her smile, her laugh and the twinkle in her eye. She loved having friends over, playing with little Ian attending mass and her Spanish club even though she would forget all about in five minutes.
Her physical and mental decline due to Alzheimer’s ripped at my heart daily. Alzheimer’s took away the mother I knew. We reversed roles as I became her mother. It was bittersweet when she called me ‘Mama’ because I wanted and needed my ‘Mama’ too.
I was very fortunate to have Lolita, Carolina, Clara, Martha, Sandra, Aleyda, Lucia, Jacqueline, Maria and Maria Rosa join our family in helping care for mum. I know and they know how much she loved seeing them and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for all the tender love they gave her and so much more, a united bond we will never lose. They did so much to help me enhance her quality of life, aside the daily routines which were not easy. They sang with her, read Spanish magazines, took her to church, parties and to visit friends and so much more, way beyond a duty of care and always with smiles, tenderness, love and the utmost respect for my mother’s dignity.
I thank you my friends and family for your support in the last four years, you gave me strength on days where I was a crying mess, you gave me love whenever I needed it and I am honored that you are all a part of my life and were always so very lovely to my mum. Even with Alzheimer’s she could see and would say what wonderful friends I had.
Darling Karen my son’s godmother has been by my side throughout my mother’s decline. Karen helped me get on with what needed to be done. Doing things way beyond both our comfort zones, nothing was ever too much. Mum loved you Karen and so do I beautiful. Thank you for being one in a million an angel on earth.
To my gorgeous husband Ian, you have been my rock, my mum loved you so very much. Our lives changed when she moved in, it was not easy yet we have grown and learnt so much having her with us. You private jokes would have mum giggling hysterically, probably the most gorgeous sound ever, a laugh we would all love hearing daily. A laugh I needed to hear it gave me the will and power to care for her even more.
My mum was truly special, one of a kind, every message I have received since she passed away acknowledges how many people remember her kindness, her vitality and basically what a amazing lady she was. I’ve had messages of how she has changed people’s lives, Carmen was not only a mother to my sister Susana and me, she used her mothering qualities with everyone, she loved, gave and accepted with no expectations.
I hope that today that you my family and friends all take a little of her compassion, a part of her smile, some of her generosity a lot of her acceptance and add them to your lives. She loved a party and together I know we can celebrate the beautiful soul she was, listening and dancing to the music she loved Julio Iglesias, Isabel Pantoja and the good old Gipsy Kings.”
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die
Take a part of me with you forever in you heart
Smile and laugh as I live on through you my beautiful family and my wonderful friends
Nathalie Brown
Beautiful Nath – beautiful words for your beautiful mum.
Thanks lovely and for your email much love xx
What an amazing mother and a beautiful eulogy Nathalie. I’m so glad your husband was able to make her laugh too – reading that was just lovely x
Thanks Carli she loved to laugh xx
Beautiful words, Nath. Sending love and strength xx.
Tina thank you love and strength is always welcome xx
Oh I *heart* The Gypsy Kings! Bless Darlin' & thank you for sharing – Rest soundly Beautiful Mum xo.
Thanks Rochelle, mum is now at peace x
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you and your family. I’m feeling in the mood for some Gypsy Kings!
The good old gipsy kings Ole, passionate and full of life -enjoy Nx
Nathalie, I’ve learnt so much about Alzheimers from reading your journey and about your mum’s final few years. Thanks for sharing such personal details to your loyal readers. Your mum was a lucky lady to have you as a daughter – and from the words above I can see you too were a lucky one. Gorgeous verse to end with. I wish you and your family all the strength to get through this hard time, as you continue to miss your mum. Pip xx
Pip it was a pleasure sharing her life and blogging helped me too with the support I received, slowly adjusting to life much love Nx
That is a beautiful ode to your mum. *hugs*
Thank you she was a good soul Nx
Oh beautiful Nathalie I could barely read your sweet words through my tears.I so relate to the long goodbye.
You mum would be so very proud of the amazing woman her little girl became.
Im am so grateful to have found your blog from twitter at this diffficult time in my life.
Thankyou for always giving me strength with your words.xx
Oh sweetheart, you know I’m here for you always. You have helped me so much through this journey big hugs Nx
The ultimate gift you can give is to get up and share the stories. Brave is an understatement. Thanks for letting us in, to watch your journey x.
Thank you Sarah, I hope to carry on assiting where ever I can Nx
Thank you so much for letting us share in the love and honour of your mum Nat. It’s obvious where you get many of your whole-hearted qualities from…Big love to you and yours xx
Beautiful Kirri thank you for your kind words xxxxx
what amazing words for an amzing women written by her amazing daughter! I am sorry I have been lost in newborn baby world over the past 4 weeks and have not been very tuned into the outside world. I am deeply sorry for your loss and send hugs to you and your whole family. Linda x
Congrats on baby 🙂 Hope you are well. Thank you for your lovely message Nx
Beautiful Nathalie. I had an uncle with Alzheimers as well, seeing the brightness fade out of him was so tough. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you it was and still is tough but we have wonderful memories xx
Oh my goodness, what a beautiful eulogy! Here come the tears. Hugs to you xx
Thanks for the hugs always appreciated and your kind words are too Nx
So beautiful Nat.
Such a gorgeous picture painted of a very special lady.
You did her proud! Much love xxxx
Thanks Gillian she was very beautiful xxx
Thank you Nathalie for sharing a little bit of your mother with me. I can understand now where you have inherited your grace from. Take care beautiful.
Love light and strength
Xoxo
Vicky thank you for your support, strength and beautiful words love N x
xx
back at you xxxx
Oh Nathalie, you made me cry again. She sounds like such a gorgeous lady, I can see she will be greatly missed.
x
She was a reallly beautiful soul thanks Krys xx
A wonderful tribute for your Mum. Much love.
Thank you Lisa big hugs xxx
As always the love in your family shines Nathalie, may that love give you and yours strength at this time. A beautiful eulogy. Much love from me X
Sharon we are all getting through it together thankyou for always being so supportive xx
Oh Nathalie, your Mama sounds the most beautiful spirit and it's clear you're very much like her. I have thought of you every day and wish I could help ease your sorrow a little. What a lovely tribute. Love and hugs, Cat xxxx
Thank you beautiful I’m doing ok and adjusting to the wave of emotions much love to you xx
lovely eulogy.
<3
xx
Thanks lovely thankyou for everything xxx
So beautiful x thank you sharing.
Thank you Caroline it took me a while to decide whether to share but so many have shared this journey with me xx
Nat, you are an inspiration. You were a gift to your mother and a product of the amazing woman she was too. Thank you for being so brave & honest in your sharing of your mothers story… that is a gift to us.
Beautiful Melanie I thank you so very much for all your help in arranging my family travelling to Australia.
I hope to continue her kind ways as much as possible. Lots of live to you xx
Gorgeous girl, what a beautiful dedication to someone who was obviously an amazing person. You are SO lucky to have had such a beautiful and loving Mum, I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Big hugs from a distance and I can’t wait to give you a real one next time one of us travels interstate. Until then am thinking of you and your family, and am inspired by your story of her life. Nxxx
Looking forward to your hug as always. You are a delight to be with. Thank you for your comforting words lots of love xxxx
What beautiful words and wonderful memories. Lots of love and prayers to you and your family at this time. May she be remembered just as you’ve written about her here xxx
Lots of beautiful words for a beautiful mum I’ll always remember her through the good and happy times thank you xxx
Oh Nat, you are such a special daughter! I have been looking after my parents as they get older and it is such a treasure for us children to take care of the very people that have cared for us for so many years. Your mum must have been wonderful and thankyou for sharing all with us on your amazing blog. xx
Thanks for following my journey and for your very kind words. Sending you love and strength as you care for yours xxx
Dearest Nat, every word I heard your voice read this, and in every way you honoured Mum's life I recognized where you have so many of her qualities. Mum does indeed live on in you, and your darling kids….much love Denyse xxxxx
Darling Denyse she certainly lives on we all have a little piece of her essences much love to you xxx
Nathalie, what a beautiful tribute to your mum. The legacy of her beautiful heart lives on with you. xx
Thanks Deb, I’ll never be exactly like her but hope to carry her compassion and kindness forever xx
A beautiful and heartfelt post Natalie x
Thanks She was a fab mum xx
Nathalie – Your mum must have been proud beyond words for the support and deep love you gave back to her. So, so sorry for your loss and sincerely wishing you peace.
Gorgeous Christie taking my time to adjust thank you for your support xx
I am so sorry to hear about your loss Nathalie. My thoughts are with you – you had a very unique relationship with your mum and I know how much she meant to you. x
Lovely Naomi thank you xxxx
What a beautiful tribute to your Mum. Thinking of you and your family.
Thank you she was a very special lady xx
It is very touching Nat. I am sure if your mom can hear it her tears will fall. I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you Aimee, I hope her amazing values live on through my family xx
Nathalie you’re so brave for sharing from such a deep place in your heart. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. Your mum was so blessed having such a caring and devoted daughter like you. x
Thank you Lou, slowly day by day dealing with the emotions I now feel xx
Dear Nathalie, Your eulogy made me cry as I feel that through it I have met your beautiful mother. My sincere condolence to you and your family. I have a sick Dad at the moment who has lived with us for a while but now in palliative care in his own home as this is where he chooses to be. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for you. Thinking of you. Jess x
Dear Jess sorry to hear about your dad 🙁 it’s pretty tough hope you are holding up ok much love and strength to xxxx
I am so very sorry.
I’m not to far behind you.
Wow, I’m visiting you back and never expected to find a post like this.
My mother, too, has dementia, and the Dr tells us, is rapidly declining.
I hate to even say those words, b/c I can’t bear the thought of her gone. BUt the Dr says she is failing quickly, and to enjoy what we have now.
It makes me so sad.
I hope I’m able to read at her services: she is such a brave, independent woman.
Thank you for this post, somehow, it readies me.
Enjoy every happy moment, they make the most beautiful memories, be kind to yourself and take each day together as a blessing much love to you both xxx