Motherhood and Judgement – It’s not about you!
This is one of my first blogs, which I’m resharing, judgement never seems to go away, so we need to learn to ignore it and move on.
Through my work I am privileged to meet so many awesome mothers. Yet nearly every single one feels judged which really saddens annoys me. They talk about how they feel judged by others, how they are criticised for what they do and how they take on board nasty comments from family, mothers from the school, their own mothers and sometimes even strangers. They judged your parenting and they make comments about your children in relation to their behaviour and development. We need to remember most importantly that they are OUR children not theirs and their judgement is NOT something we need to adhere to or battle with. There is normally enough on our plate, without adding to the judgement battle.
Judgement is a waste of time
There is no one out there who is you, so what they say you should be doing or what they criticise and judge about you, should be ignored. You are you and they are someone else, with different experiences, different thoughts and with no real understanding of what you experience or have experienced in your past.
Taking on board at face value what others say nastily about you is a complete waste of time and energy – that we as mothers need to learn how to ignore, hold our head up high and switch off listening to others judgement of who we are, what we do and what we stand for. The niggling voice in our head that makes us question how well we are doing, the one that compares us to others, the one that gives us self doubt, is always there and it does not help when others add their unthoughtful criticisms and harsh comments.
When people say hurtful and nasty things it is not about you. It is actually in most cases about them. Their insecurities, their issues and their voices in their head. The colleague at work who cannot manage their work, will actually tell you what you should be doing to keep on top of your work.
Judgement is not a friend
Don’t compare yourself to others, because unless you are exactly the same person, living a parallel and duplicate life- there is nothing to compare.
You know who you are, you know what you do, there are no set of instructions that we all have to follow, there are no super heroes in real life and therefore we shouldn’t try and be one.
People will judge anything: what you say, what you wear, your shape, your hair, your parenting, really the list is pretty long so best to ignore and just follow your own heart, your own values and your own life.
Do what you can, take a breather, accept who you are because who you are is pretty damn good.
Nathalie Brown
GREAT post. I posted something similar today, but you seem to have covered all the points I missed 🙂
Well great minds think a like x
So true. Thanks for the reminder!
Thanks Bronnie, it’s toug I see it everyday and it upsets me that we put so much pressure on ourselves especially if we hear someone judge us, we need to learn to ignore the judgement.
Nathalie, thank you so much for this blog post – it is all so so true and exactly what many mothers (including myself) need to hear everyday. Mother guilt is a hard one to tackle – well done! You have brought a tear to my eye.
The dreaded Mother guilt – We all have it, we need to be much kinder to ourselves, step back and see how much we have accomplished.
This is one of my favourite posts.
I used to be quite judgmental when I was younger. Secretly, thank goodness, so I hope I didn’t inflict too much pain on my victims. Then one day I ended up in the same situation that I had judged someone else for all those years ago, and boy did a light-bulb go off in my head.
It’s changed my life to “get” that I haven’t lived anyone else’s life, so there’s no point in judging what they’re doing, it’s much more helpful to accept them for who they are. Everyone’s just trying to do their best.
Accepting is so very important of ourselves and others.
Yes and it is important to remember that during low times. You are you and you are unique. There not being another person the same surely is something to celebrate. Ignore judgements – I agree they are about the other person, their issues and their feelings about themselves.
Hey Naomi we are all so very unique and we can’t please every single pesron.
So true – and, sadly, I have found that my worst judge by far is myself! Thanks for the reminder to give myself a break, take a breath and know that I am doing the best I can every day – mistakes will be made, but they do not define me…or my children. 🙂
Mistakes are human, it shows a learning process, it shows you are alive and doing the best you can:)
Great post and something I really need to work on, I am SO hard on myself….
Sarah start by being a little kinder and more gnetlr with yourself, takes practise baby steps all the way.
How very true!! I have always had my own saying that goes, “If someone cannot accept you for who you are then that is their problem, not yours” The same thing applies to motherhood I think!! Each of us had different ways of doing things and of how we cope, no one method is better or worse than the other, just different!!
Michelle Love that So very true it is their problem and not ours
I love that rather than turning judgement into a blame game you have turned it around and given some good advice about how to deal with (and hopefully ignore) judgement. I think you and I are on the same crusade, Nat!
Hey gorgeous Daisy 🙂 So happy we are on the crusdade (love that word) together, we need to add to our team “No more Judging” , wouldn’t life be that little bit nicer all round. xx
I love this statement you have made “Don’t compare yourself to others, because unless you are exactly the same person, living a parallel and duplicate life- there is nothing to compare.” so very true …
xx
It’s hard to do but doable xx
Hi Nathalie,
I definitely know how it feels to be judged – I’m happily married with 3 children, but people think it’s okay to judge me because I’m only 24.
But all I have to do is look at the smiles on my kids’ faces and I know that I’m doing a great job. Their happiness is all that matters to me.
It’s funny, I wrote a post about this a while ago too. Have a read if you like: http://insideamothersmind.com/?p=990
🙂
Sweetheart that sucks, motherhood has no age and like you say your kids are smiling and they love you. Will read your post shortly Nx
Nice sentiments here. I really hate the word and the thoughts behind “Judging” or “Judgement” – but from the position of the judgee, not the judger.
If I am to think/allow someone to “judge” me, that is me putting them in a more important position than myself. That is me throwing away my self respect and confidence. No way!
If someone has an opinion and expresses it to me or about me – fine, great, no matter how badly it is expressed. That is *NOT* a judgement, because I do not consider their opinion to be more important than mine. It is just THEIR opinion.
If someone thinks they have advice for me – excellent. Maybe I’ll take it, maybe I won’t. Again, *NOT* a judgement, just advice, however well meant or misguided.
Almost every situation I have ever seen where somebody feels “judged” has been one of the above: opinion or advice.
So enough advice about “not judging other mothers”! How about take responsibility for how you deal with others’ opinions and advice instead!
(The irony is there will be somebody who thinks I am judging them right now. SIGH!)
🙂
Love the way you have put it, makes a lot of sense. I was trying to emphasise the point of judgement in the aspect of when we make assumptions about some one when we don’t know the whole story. But I understand your point fully 😉
All through my childhood my dad never gave praise and only ever pointed out the negatives.I made sure I did the opposite with my girl as I didnt want her growing up feeling as though she was never good enough,like I did.
No matter how old we are judgement from others still hurts,but none so much as when it is from your parents or own family.
This is such a wonderful post to remind us that judgement is not our friend.I so need to remember that.Thankyou.xx
You are such a beautiful soul despite not having praise. It’s a difficult area as to manage due to our own personal conditioning and expectations of what we think is right etc…keep being strong, wonderful and simply you xxx
I do not like to be judge or judge others. I think we need to learn to respect the way others live their life and the choices they make. Unfortunately I am more aware of it as an adult than I was when younger – I guess when you become a parent there seems to be more judgements made of you.
Hello Beautiful its gets a little tough some days and I’m all for opinions but always looking at the bigger picture Nx
I think this is a great post. Judging others or judging oneself is not a good hobby. Instead we should be get into a new hobby of, what we can learn from it. And then how to turn it judging into appreciation and gratitude. As a child psycho-therapist specializing in Emotional Intelligence, I will write a post on what we can do and learn from judging.I cant help myself(lol) I think you started an excellent discussion. Thanks! Ava
Oh Ava I’m BIG int Emtional Intelligence it’s what I do too. Please send me the link once your post is up Nx
HI Natilie
Yes a saw that,so happy to meet! I loved what you wrote and the comments. I was inspired to continue the conversation. I do a weekly Monday’s Conversation with Shara @momyperks and Ava(me @listentomepleas
We are going to link to this post as I got the idea from you:) And Thanks I will send you the link:)
oops sorry spelled your name wrong:(
No worries x
Wonderful Look forward to it Nx
HI Nathalie
I was away and didnt get a chance to send you the link:) Love to hear what you think!
http://www.mommyperks.com/vip/tips/are-you-feeling-judged-by-others/
Will have a read soon xx
I’m so glad I just found this post. Its a message that I needed to hear today after completely embarrassing myself in front of loads of school mums and feeling very judged I’ve realised I’m looking at it in a skewed way. thanks 🙂
Fiona glad it was helpful, I hope you are ok, thanks for reading xx
Hi I just love this post you have inspired me to write a post about judgement too and I have shared yours on my page I hope you don’t mind here http://glamamuma.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/too-much-judgement.html
I really hope this inspires more people to stop being so judgemental xo
Thank you for your kind words a nd thanks for including me in your post xx