Behaviour; What do you find unacceptable?

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Behaviour; What do you find unacceptable?

Time OutIt has been an emotional year on many fronts, not only for me but for many of you, such is life an ever changing situation, that we cannot control. As a child I craved adulthood imagining that as a grown up it would be easier to change and comprehend the ins and outs of human behaviour and the complexity of our world. Why does someone abuse a child? Why did adults become alcoholic? Why are there children starving? Why were there bullies at school? Why did teachers have the power to make you feel on top of the world or an insignificant piece of nothingness. So many why’s with no substantial answers that did nothing to correlate my questions or make any sense to me as a child. Watching children in the playground, seeing how friendships developed and fell apart. The mothers waiting at the gates chatting and overhearing their comments about others. A young unnoticed observer of behaviour that was me in my childhood; my passion for understanding behaviour was sparked early.

As an adult I still have the why’s and what feels like a million unanswered questions that race through my head every minute of every day. The voice is constantly there, with  many behaviours there are explanations and answers; you have to dig really deep, look at past history, patterns, relationships, emotions, triggers, and at the bigger complexity of the picture and  try and put the puzzle pieces back into place or into some order.

Some questions have no answers, will they ever? Unfortunately I don’t think they will. I can only hope and pursue the changes I would like to see. Unacceptable to have children and adults starving, unacceptable to have children and adults being abused emotionally and physically; there are many unacceptable situations that many of us want to see actively change, I ask the questions but finding the answers  many a time I hit a wall. Yet I keep banging on and will continue. 

Being an adult is bloody hard work, not quite the picture my child like imagination had envisaged. Initially studying and working with behaviour was my way of trying to comprehend the world and  everyone’s differences. What makes us who we are? I longed to understand why events that occurred in my childhood were so intrinsic to what I would become. Events that could have broken my soul, images that replay in my head over and over, the darkness will always be there I accept that, the light I let in makes the dark place livable. This led to my current role of working with children and their behaviour. A role that I love because every single child deserves a chance to be uniquely who they are, yes we need to start thinking outside the box, what works for one may not work for the other, children are as unique as you and me; what works for me, may not work for you.

I remember last year saying “Well if 2012 is just a little bit easier all will be ok”. So far 2012 has tested me emotionally and physically to extremes I never thought possible, not only with my mum’s Alzheimer’s and her death but with everything else that life brings. I’m still standing, albeit a bit wobbly, slightly shaken and as part of who I am still finding the happy moments when ever I can. Right up until laying bed waiting for sleep to take some kind of hold, it takes a while to lower the volume on the questions and replace them with images of happiness, no matter how small, they are the  happy pockets that keep me going, they keep me sane. Yes there are people so much worse of than me, I know but how we feel is not measurable, pain, hurt is what it is.

Behaviour the Unacceptable 

I’m fairly easy going, there is a long list of stuff that really does not bother me anymore, my wall it shields me. My feelings may get bruised,  maybe I”ll be WTF ? asking  the Mr. or a friend or twitter what they think. Working with behaviour and alongside the compassion my mum displayed, I look at the bigger picture, it takes a lot of practice, I stuff it up at times, it is not easy to do 24/7.  When I talk about the bigger picture, I’m not in their shoes; perhaps they were rude due to feeling unwell, they have a sick child at home etc.. Sometimes the bigger picture fails me.

  • I accept you may not like me without even saying hello. I find it unacceptable when you say “I can’t stand her in the mini skirt, she’s the stuck up English mum”  Your voice was loud my children heard you. An opportunity to explain that we can not get on with everyone.
  • I accept we may not support the same sporting team. I find unacceptable when you and your teenage sons shout out “Annihilate that slag”.  That slag is my daughter, she heard you, my 7 year old son heard you and everyone there heard you. An opportunity to have a quiet word with you and your sons with an apology which I accepted.
  • I accept your religion. I find unacceptable when you say “I will burn in hell”. My religion lives is in my heart and through my actions, also known as kindness and compassion. An opportunity for me to take a deep breath and walk away.
  • I accept your healthy meal and snack choices for your children and that they have never ever had anything that is considered junk . I find it unacceptable when you gasp in horror because I let my children eat chocolate, ice-cream and Macca’s.  My children have this occasionally, you are presuming this is what I give them everyday. An opportunity for me to have a chocolate milkshake with my kids.
  • I accept that you blog daily. I find it unacceptable that you felt you should write to me and tell me that I am not a blogger because I do not blog daily or weekly. An opportunity to say that after an extensive research I could not find the Blog Rule book that sates you must blog daily to be a blogger. My blog my rules.
  • I accept you do not like tattoos, piercings, lots of jewellery. I find it unacceptable that you feel that what I have on my body gives you the impression of who I am underneath. An opportunity to carry on being me.
  • I accept you have emotions. I find it unacceptable to be told “Snap out of it”. An opportunity to deal with how I feel without judgement.
  • I accept that you can forgive and forget. I find unacceptable that you feel I should do the same. An opportunity to see how far I’ve come, the scars stay the kind eyesresilience grows. Some things do not have to be forgiven.
  • I accept you have a variety of friends. I find it unacceptable that you voice loudly your discern at my choice of friends.
  • I accept children can be hard work and I know parenting/motherhood is a roller coaster. I find it unacceptable when you judge another child or mother without looking or thinking about the bigger picture.
  • I accept pretty much anything -behaviour is complex. I do not accept abuse, prejudices and discrimination across all areas. An opportunity to be more empathic and create The KIND EYES project which will be ready soon.

 

What behaviour do you find unacceptable ?

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Nathalie Brown

Child Behaviour Consultant at Easy Peasy Kids
Child Behaviourist and researcher. Creator of "Less tantrums. More smiles". I look at the bigger picture and think outside the box when working with children and their behaviour. Their world is different. As adults we sometimes forget this. Happiness Creator in my spare time. Eater of chocolate and cake.

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Comments

  1. Looking forware to hearing more about your Kind Eyes Project. If only there was more kindness in the world.

  2. I think people judging others on behaviour and appearance. Nathalie I loved this blog and now off to share it. Another bugbear/rant is that people listen to hearsay about others and don't often find out for themselves what others are like.

  3. Cat Conidi says:

    My list of unacceptable mirrors yours. It's why I have "issues" with my in-laws as they swear horribly at their grandchildren calling them awful names and are incredibly racist and intolerant. They're on my personal "never ever" board. I love everything about this post and you've said it all in the incredibly wise and heartfelt but polite way you conduct yourself. I admire you greatly lovely.

    • Beautiful Cat, what a horrid situation, it’s hard to change others but you are wise,loving and kind, brilliant idea to put them on the never ever board. Xxx

  4. This touched my heart in so many ways. Human behaviour has intrigued me for as long as I can recall, and as a child I always though becoming an adult would mean ever piece of the complex puzzle would seemlessly fall into place. In actual fact it did all just become more complicated. I’m ok with that now. People like yourself have inspired me on my path of happieness and acceptance :)
    So if I may add, as a means of venting and embracing opportunities: I accept that every person is entitled to their own opinion, I do not accept that my opinion deserves to be ridiculed by a teacher (or anyone else) under their breath during a P&C meeting. An opportunity for me to stand strong in asserting my opinions, not be intimidated and rise above someone else’s unpleasant approach to life and communication.

    I really do feel very blessed to have come across you Nathalie. Your an absolutely inspirational champion. Just being you and blogging about it has helped me so much, not only as a parent, but as a person too. Im sure ive said it before, but thank you thank you thank you xx

    • I believe many children are observers and very perceptive to what goes on around them. I relate to their confusion, and like you I see how complicated behaviour is.Good for you for speaking up. Your lovely words about me really warm me to the core. Thank you for being part of my life xxxx

  5. Nathalie, you are such a beautiful soul. A woman full of grace. All those things on your list, mirror mine.

    I have never met you, but you took the time when so much was going on in your world to talk to me on the phone and help me with my little boy. I appreciated that so much. The contact of a caring objective person was what I needed. Thank you.

    I hope one day our paths will cross in real life. xxx

    • Darling Vicky it was a pleasure speaking to you, I know we will meet as I will be travelling around Australia late next year. Caring contact and listening is sometimes one of the best ways to connect. Much love to you Nx

  6. My list is similar. A week doesn’t go by without me getting an email about the food I am feeding my kids, or the car seat I’m using or the way I’m parenting. I’m sure it is well intentioned but it just makes me feel sick to my stomach.

    • Darling Zoey, oh the emails are pretty constant here too, when I first starting blogging I was devastated that my words were being taken out of context or everything I felt was being torn to shreds. A little wiser now, in knowing I can’t please everyone. Parenting is a personal journey for you and your kids, Giant ‘squishy’ hugs to you xxx

  7. Messus Sabbatical says:

    well I am definitely not a blogger as I am too busy having fun with my child over the school holiday. My god love, a passionate list. I agree wholeheartedly, one of my biggest gripes is sporting venues where ugly and unnecessary language is used in front of or about kids. Also what gives anyone the right to judge another with no grounding. I could rant forever but I will send you a big big fiving hug from one non blogger child lover to another xxx.

  8. Nat, you always have such wise words. Truly your kindness shines through in everything you do. Stick to your values. You have handleded this year with grace and poise. Be kind to yourself and don’t let the distractors hurt you. I can’t wait to hear about the “Kind Eyes” project. Love your work. Sooz.

  9. Gayle McCain says:

    Thank you for writing this.

  10. Good on you for putting it out there and not sounding judgmental yourself. It's a shame we can't all sit in the time out chair from time to time to think about our own behaviour. x

  11. I'm easy going only have two things – bad manners and discrimination of any kind

  12. Great list Nathalie! I also think to myself when people attack you on a personal level, it is all about them, their insecurities, their ignorance and not anything to do with you. Keep doing exactly what you are doing. You are doing a great job. :-) Looking forward to Kind Eyes very much.

    • I’ve always said that judgement is many a times an internal reflection of the other person, their issues bounced on to you. I’m all for opinions and differences but personal attacks are very below the belt. Thanks for visiting Love Nx

  13. Naomi Pritchard-Tiller says:

    My list is pretty much the same as yours.
    I love this post and agree with Cat's comment. xxx

  14. What a beautiful yet heartbreaking post at the same time. Your compassion and acceptance is beautiful. I really can’t believe (as in shocked, not that I don’t believe you) that people are so cruel and judgmental. I must live under a rock some time, oblivious that perhaps people are saying these things behind my back at the school gate. I’m sure they are. But what I have learned is to have faith and trust in myself. I am a good person and make good choices for me and my children. I am happy with myself (mostly!) and everyday I make it my goal to not judge. I know I will be judged, it is human nature, but if I can try and be conscious of myself judging others maybe I am making a difference.
    What a beautiful, heartfelt post. Heart to you x

    • Jodi I feel very much at times that I live under a rock, I miss out on heaps, faith and trust are important values to live by and being conscious of what you say makes a very big difference. Thank you for stopping by love Nx

  15. Debyl1 says:

    I agree with everything you have written but could never have said it as beautifully as you.
    I am sorry you have had to go through such terrible things from others.I so admire your stength and how you hold yourself and respond with such dignity.
    I have always felt very judged by some in my family.I have always tried to do the right thing and yet somehow people manage to find a way to make me feel like I am not good enough.
    It is when I visit beautiful blogs like yours that I get a
    sense of caring and support and then dont feel so alone.
    You help give me strength by showing me yours.
    You are a wonderful example I learn so much from.
    I can only hope you realise just what a difference you make.Thankyou.xx

    • Oh Deby you are so very compassionate and a wonderful friend. Family unfortunately can also be so caught up in their set ways. You are good enough more than good enough you are brilliant, wise, kind and I’m glad you are part of my life xxx

  16. Wow, I was left thinking.. who are these people?! Then, sadly, I remember they are just “normal” people that are around us daily. I accept that people often go out to dinner to relax and that they may not like children or babies etc, I do not accept them voicing their opinions of me bringing my baby out to a restaurant (at 6pm!) loudly (and purposefully) enough for me to hear.
    Rude, inconsiderate people are what I find hard to accept. People that judge others situations or choices, as you’ve highlighted, without bothering to find out why or give someone the benefit of the doubt that there is more than what they can see, I also find unacceptable but the thing that I find the worst, is people that think they are better than others. Who or what gave them that right. We’re all humans, we’re all here together, live and let live.
    Thanks for your thought provoking post.

    • It amazes me what people feel they can say out loud and how they give the air of being better than you,I’m still working out all these behaviour patterns. Thanks for your valuable and honest comment xxx

  17. I believe the entire list can be distilled down to one important quality – respect. Unfortunately too many people exhibit a severe lack of it. Often for themselves, their children and other people.

  18. I don’t find any of things on your list OK, they simply show that so many people simply do not have good manners any more. The best lesson I think I can teach my girls at the moment is unless you have something nice to say – don’t say anything – until you get home, and DO NOT EVER share it on a social media platform. I was brought up well and I am so determined to that my girls will be the same, and I do get many compliments of which I am very proud. Words can be so damaging and cannot be taken back!

    • Nikki, how wonderful is it when you are complimented on your children, totally live that feeling. Yes mum always told me if you have nothing nice to say hush those lips. Words cause scars too you are very right. Thanks for contributing xxx

  19. Hi Nathalie, you are the most compassionate person who keeps ‘it’ real that I’ve come across in the way you show love and care for all humans you meet. This kind of behaviour you described is outrageous….which is why I was inspired to write my post as I tweeted …much love Denyse
    http://www.denysewhelan.com.au/?p=8984

  20. I accept that your child is cleverer/more talented/better at sport than mine, but I do NOT accept you running down my child's achievements to make your child look 'better' … lovely post, Nathalie! xt

    • Tracey, running down a child’s achievement is low, every child is so very unique and has amazing individual capabilities. Makes me wonder what the bigger picture is surrounding the parent that said this to you. Big hugs xxxx

  21. Collett Smart says:

    Amazing words, as always Nat!
    I especially resonated with this, "I accept that you blog daily. I find it unacceptable that you felt you should write to me and tell me that I am not a blogger because I do not blog daily or weekly. An opportunity to say that after an extensive research I could not find the Blog Rule book that sates you must blog daily to be a blogger. "

  22. Oh I can’t wait to find out more about your kind eyes project Nath! I agree with every single thing you said in your post.

    I can accept/understand pretty much anything from anyone if I can understand where the behaviour or reaction is coming from. But some things shouldn’t be accepted and I think you nailed them all!

  23. Mandy says:

    Wow, it saddens me to think that you’ve experienced any one of those situations Nathalie. Good on you for staying true.

  24. I have had this on my list of must reads all week now and I am glad I waited to find a minute of peace to enjoy it. So very wise Nathalie. Look forward to hearing more about Kind Eyes xx

  25. I really like this blog post! We have a 13 year old who has a LOT of challenging behaviour issues. And the only way we can deal with him is to let him have his rant/rave and to ignore it till he either stops, or goes to sleep. We have tried everything else that has been suggested to us (we have done a lot of parenting programs over the years!) but have found OUR way to deal with it.
    Yet we get judge a lot “Oh you are too busy, and you ignore your kids”
    no we dont – we spend a lot of time with our boys, but we do ignore our 13 year old when he gets into one of his moods. While he is going through his way of dealing with life, we pay extra attention to the behaviours in our others that we do like.
    Yet others cant see why parent that way.
    Guess other parents feel better by judging? By saying mean things? Guess that is what makes them feel better.
    I once heard a quote “We find faults in others, that we have in ourselves” – I like that quote!

  26. Too too true. I wish more people were as accepting and understanding of the choices of others.

  27. Agreed with your points, except the bit about personal appearance and how others think about that. “I find it unacceptable that you feel that what I have on my body…” It’s pointless feeling anything about how other people feel, it won’t change them. All we can do is choose not to worry about it and accept that others absolutely will judge us on what we wear, clothes, tattoos, hair. When I wear my hippy harmony ball, my hair in bunches, my boho clothes I know I give off a certain impression, I know what some will think of me. But it is impractical and pointless to get upset because of what others may be (probably are in fact) thinking about us because of choices we make in our outward appearance. Personally, I look at people and avoid the beige brigade (by which I mean beige personalities not colour). So long as they’re not saying it, they are entitled to think what they like. However beige and boring I may find them for doing so.

    • Alison thanks for the different perspective, I was more concern that my son who is seven heard her say it. But I do agree with accepting that there is no point feeling upset about what they think about my attire. Nx

  28. Tammy Kitchen says:

    Wow……I loved reading that. Your words are awesome & I am totally with you! Wish I could think like you have written when those opportunities/scenarios arise……

  29. Your list is spot on. I agree with Laney – it boils down to respect. I’m sorry you’ve had to encounter such awful experiences. Whenever I shake my head in disbelief I am reminded that people are broken and perhaps they were never modeled respect or boundaries. This doesn’t excuse them, but it helps me understand.

  30. Dear Nat,
    Reading your blog post in my hotel room in Tokyo.
    The ‘I accept…… I find unacceptable………’ rule is a great one. Love the idea of your ‘Kind Eyes’ project. Looking forward to hearing more about it:)

  31. Wonderful, thought-provoking post that puts so much into perspective.
    At the moment, I’m 2 weeks from welcoming our second child into the world. So the behaviour that I’m finding unacceptable is from those who think it’s okay to judge how my first child came into the world, and those who lecture how my second child should enter the world.

    • Jackie so sorry to hear that it really is they old saying “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all” big hugs to you and be strong and ignore what they say xxx

  32. Loving your perspective, acceptance and understanding really do go a long way don't they!

  33. Nathalie, I admire how honestly and bravely you have written about matters that are close to your heart. xo P

  34. It’s taken a little while for me to understand behaviours and be less judgmental of people and those behaviours. I love how you reminded us to think about it in a bigger picture because people so often condem from just seeing a tiny snippit of a person’s life.

  35. Racism and prejudice are on the top of my list of unacceptable behaviour. I know some friends and family think I’m a bit ‘uptight’ because I won’t have a laugh along with everyone else about these things, but I just can’t accept it.

  36. Oh Nat you always make me think so much! I love that about you!
    I’ve come a long way in the last few years when it comes to accepting who I am, what I feel and how I behave and also when it comes to letting go of the worry about what others think of me. I still get caught up in it all often, but I am much better at snapping out of it and getting on with what makes me happy.

    • Hey gorgeous I just keep adding to my don’t sweat it list, I’m sure it gets longer each day but what the hey I feel happy, choosing to ignore the gossip 😉 xxx

  37. I respect your honesty on this Nat. Very touching.
    I agree, I cant accept superficial judgments – I am who I am, and not what I look like. The way I dress, my hair, tattoos or anything else I express myself with isnt who I am, its what I like (Not a stereotype either).
    Also dont accept prejudice of any form. I dont understand people who look down on others, comment or disrespect others because of their race, sex, colour, weight, finanacial position or their choices. Why cant people accept there is more to that person and its really none of their business to begin with nor is it their position to discriminate or belittle another human being.

    • Renee working and studying behaviour I’ve come to realise that a lot of judgement comes from inner personal insecurities and also the I’m better than you again a pattern of behaviour which just exacerbates over time. Human behaviour is complex when at times it could be a little easier if we were more open, empathic and accepting xx

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