Motherhood – Totally Unprepared and I still am!

Motherhood – Totally Unprepared!



Nothing in the world can prepare you for Motherhood.  No matter what you read or get told. There are not enough adjectives, verbs or nouns to describe Motherhood. I remember very clearly when one of my best friend from school had her first baby. My beautiful, super organised, glamourous girlfriend; opening the front door, looking absolutely petrified, tired, with tears streaming down her face. She looked deranged, she hugged me so tight and cried. Leading her to the couch I hugged her back, stroked her forehead and asked “Sweetheart what the F*** happen? Talk to me”. A shrilling cry, a sound unknown to me like a fire alarm drill on caffeine pierced through the room. She looked at me and in a muffled strained sentence said “What the F*** happened, is that I had a baby”.

Move forward to the next year, when my girlfriend came to visit me after my daughter was born and there I stood at the door looking absolutely petrified, tired, with tears streamimg down my face, my PJ’s covered in milk and a number of other fluids and solids with tears streaming down my face saying “Take her, hold her and cuddle her”.

Some how I got through it, took me about a two years to find my own motherhood stride an internal personal agreement that winging it was my stride and my parenting style. A style that on a good day was getting dressed. You do what you can and cope the best way you can. We are all different therefore we all have are own way of dealing with things, although I do get flashbacks of how much I cried, either tears of happiness, frustration, sadness, whatever they were for I remember crying and lots of it, sometimes I cried more than my baby. I did love my baby with all my heart, just had emotions running through my body I had never felt in my life before.

As a new mother, I had constant jet lag  without travelling and I lived in my pyjamas for a couple of weeks months OK nearly a year. Trying to read my newborn daughters cries. I had a book that told me it was easy to read your babies cries and differentiate between hunger, sleep, etc.. I can’t sing in tune let alone distinguish a cry.

With my daughter was six I started to panic about her teenagers years, just thinking of mine made me shudder. The Mr. thought it a good idea to write a contract with her, something we could both use in her teens, to remind her that we love her unconditionally and of course sing our own praises. It’s Mr 7’s contract time this weekend.

The Contract

Motherhood  “Wow Mummy your vagina is massive!”

Now as my kids are older they never cease to amaze me with their vitality for life and are always on the go. Mr 7  is a happy, sensitive soul his view of the world is simple, have fun be kind.  Miss 16 is confident, has the best laugh ever and a strong sense of justice her view of the world right now is “Mum will I ever need to use simultaneous equations in the real world?” If I could bottle up the happiness and energy my 7-year-old son has and distribute it as a pick me up tonic I’d make a fortune. Yet even today I can feel unprepared for situations and questions that occur daily, again I revert to my winging it mode, which also includes turning a bright shade of red and wishing I had an invisibility cloak.

  •  Mr 3 with  at the grocery checkout he announced to all “Mummy has a very hairy bottom, the lady took a long time to ripped it  all off”
  • Miss 4 in a restaurant ” Mummy did I come out of your tummy?” “No darling, mummy has already explained you came out from we can talk more about it at home” I was trying to be discreet the restaurant was packed. Miss 4 “Oh mum you mean your vagina. Wow mummy that’s right your vagina is massive” At the top of her darling voice. The whole restaurant heard and laughed uncontrollably.
  • Always at the shops  Mr 6 ” Ah my head is so itchy I must have a million nits, can you check mum?”
  • Miss 2 back in the UK to the milkman, post man, any man really that came to the front door “Are you my daddy?”
  • Mr 7 on seeing lady with a box of tampons “Hey lady, don’t put those in your nerf gun they get stuck”
  • Visiting  A&E with my kids, one managed to shove a ball of tissue so high up their nose it had to be removed by a doctor, the other found a tic tac and pushed that up their nose, again requiring removal by a doctor.
  • My Miss 2 use to strip off at the gym creche and run around naked, with the creche staff calling for me over the loud speaker to come quick my child was naked again.
  • The day Mr 6 was captivated by the love bites on the checkout girl’s neck.
  • At zoo with Mr 6 and some of his friends, watching the gorilla whilst the zoo keeper is talking about gorillas. The gorilla decides that this is the moment to really pull at its penis for a jolly. The zoo keeper is explaining that this particular gorilla had an infection in his hand and it had to be amputated. Mr 6 puts his hand up to ask a question. I feel proud my son is getting involved until  Mr 6 says ” Mrs Zookeeper lady did the Gorilla get an infection on his hand from pulling his penis so much like he is now?”

There are so many times I’ve been unprepared and I’m sure there are many more delightful memories to be had with my children. Have you been unprepared ?


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Nathalie Brown

Child Behaviour Consultant at Easy Peasy Kids
Child Behaviourist and researcher. Creator of "Less tantrums. More smiles". I look at the bigger picture and think outside the box when working with children and their behaviour. Their world is different. As adults we sometimes forget this. Happiness Creator in my spare time. Eater of chocolate and cake.

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  1. Oh, my kids have come out with some pearlers over the years.
    Conversations that have you never wanting to leave the house again.
    Why is it that the checkout at the local supermarket is such an ideal place for them to make these comments and ask the hardest questions?

    Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. harder than being a student, harder than being a midwife. It still is.

    This morning was terrible. I lost the plot over a sesame bar. A sesame bar, can you believe it? (actually it was about not being able to leave anything lying around without it being taken – it turned out to be the husband who was the thief but all the kids saw was a crazy woman screaming over a lolly).

    Most days are not like that though. Most are full of joy.

  2. This is exactly why I don’t leave the house.
    My mother tells me that I used to say the lovliest things.
    I had baby brothers (twins) and would announce to everybody that they had penises just like daddy.

    Because I had twin brothers I would approach women with a pram and look inside and ask “where is you other baby?”

    My uncle used to joke that my mum had been pushing me down the stairs as I had some bruises from walking, running, falling, like any toddler, when asked by a stranger in the supermarket “oh dear, did you hurt yourself?” I answered “my mummy pushed me down the stairs”.

    My poor mother.

  3. Erica S says

    Oh god your kids quotes cracked me up! I must be lucky I haven’t had any embarrassing ones out in public yet!
    I know what you mean about the silent motherhood bond thingy….I have noticed since being a mum to a 4yr old and a 1yr old I’ve become waaay less judgemental and more accepting of other peoples parenting styles. Its a nice bonus outcome and feels so good!

  4. Haha cracked up through the whole article!! Here’s a pearler for you: I had to take miss 3 to the toilet while we were out so we went into the cubicle together and i thought it was a good idea to go after her. As i went to sit on the loo she looks down at me and says at the top of her lungs “mummy why do you have so much FUR on your bits?!” OMG….
    Thanks for the laugh! xx

  5. Little miss 2 after having a quick shower with Daddy , she was patting her Vagina dry looked me in the eye and said “Mummy what happened to my waggley tail” perplexed I asked “what tail” , with that oh my gosh look on her face “my waggley tail like Daddy Manny’s” ……. (penis from now on)

  6. Parent with Potential says

    My 8 and 9 yo watching a music video – my 8yo “she’s a big lady like fat”, my 9 yo “yeah, she’s um kinda like your size mum”. It may appear rude but I’m not sensitive about my weight and just like the way my 9yo thoughtfully said “kinda” as he pondered how to put size into something more concrete and real for him.

  7. My soon to be 8yo was almost 5 then and announced to me in the shower that she thought she was broken. She was washing herself and found an ‘extra’ hole. she was very upset and insistant I take her to the doctor to be checked out.
    I couldn’t stop laughing.

    One of my 4yo twin boys also had a bit of a scare, he lost a rubber ball he was playing with and seemed to think it landed up in his testies. He told me he must’ve swallowed it and it broke in 2 . . . Oh the joys of parenthood.

  8. I have a million funnies – it seems our whole life is made up of them… I record them when I can, but they come so thick and fast, I have to make the decision to LIVE rather than ARCHIVE. It’s the amazing words of wisdom that I recall the most. This one is from the the almost 4yo munchkin… “I have a special story collector inside me. You do too, we all do. It’s in our bones.”
    At the time it totally blew me away. It still does. Seems he knows more than I do.

  9. My daughter is 6 months old and although I have never worked harder in my life I am happier than I have ever been.
    I have also come to appreciate my own mother more for all the work she put into 4 of us. Having my bub has also brought us closer as she was by my side through a nearly 4 day labor and then a c section as well as staying 4 weeks to help out while my partner worked.
    Some days I wake up and dont want to get out of bed until i see her beautiful face and a big smile or morning raspberries. she makes me laugh she makes me cry but most of all she makes me proud. What else could a mother ask for.

  10. Alexandra says

    Haha a hilarious but true account of children and motherhood! I get some hilarious one liners from the children I teach too. It’s very hard to keep a straight face sometimes! XO

  11. My kids crack me up with the things they come out with! My Miss 7 – 2nd child told me my vagina must have exploded to get them out!!! Miss 9 and Miss 7 have both told me they don’t want to have and waahhing (crying) babies! LOL!

  12. Natalie, this was so funny to read. It’s true too. I find motherhood is so many things – we do have to turn our hands to many things and usually at a drop of a hat. It is the most rewarding job in the world and am so glad I have little time to do much else!!!

  13. lol — Ah yes, all so very true. I’ve had a lot of those “moments” too. Like when my daughter said (in a very loud voice) “That man lookds wierd”. He was missing a leg. Fortunately for me he had a great sense of humour. Me: floor swallow me. 🙂

    I especially like the concept of supporting Mums, not judging them. I wish there was more of that. x

  14. Chelsea says

    One that springs to mind.
    I work with my mum in a garden centre. I take my kids to work. One day master 3 was being very naughty in the show room. So as not to cause a scene I asked him quietly and calmly to follow me into our lunch room. He then yelled at the top of his voice “don’t lock me away again mummy!” the whole place just went quite and every person looked at me. I could have died since I dont even use a naughty cnr!

  15. Oh this blog just made my day!!!! Today’s society expects mums to be this perfect somebody who juggles work, children, house cleaning, cooking and also looks immaculate yet this is so far from reality. Reading your blogs makes me feel like a “normal” mum. Oh, and I agree, Mothers day once a week please!!

  16. Michelle Nielsen says

    Oh, wow!! I can;t stop giggling!! It’s so nice to read something like this and think 2 things!! 1. It’s not just my kids that come out with these things!! (lol) and 2. That after a hard day with your kids, you can read this and see the lighter side of parenthood!! My daughter is going through a horrid stage atm (she’s 4) and to read this and reflect on all the things she has come out with over all this time and have a giggle is great!! Reminds me why it is GREAT to be a parent!!

  17. Claire says

    I love these comments and observations, being a mum is sooooo great and a disaster at the same time! My 5yo drew a picture of me the other day with a santa beard between my legs because my ‘bit bits’ are a man because they have a beard!…I think its time for a wax 😉

  18. Ah, yes, the joys and the sorrow! Yesterday I wanted to resign from motherhood (couldn’t find the form), today I’m all good again (might be because it’s Monday, which reduces my workload by 3/4s).

    Once my eldest sat on a tram and pointed to each person around us and announced, “penis, penis, bagina, penis, bagina, penis”… I tried to stop him by saying, “Yes, yes, okay, that’s enough now”, he decided to finish up by pointing to a woman and loudly saying, “Penis!”…

    On another occasion my third asked me loudly on the bus, “So, when dad dies, I get a puppy, right?”

    I can laugh now…

  19. Just discovered your blog today and am in love. This post is absolute gold 🙂 Gave me such a great laugh. I feel like you hit the nail on the head with your accurate description of motherhood being a shock to the system. Felt like it took me a good 9+ months to hit my stride after my son was born, the older he gets the more I enjoy motherhood (just would love a bit more thanks and a sleep in every now and then!).

  20. Candice Needham says

    What a great read! You are such a talented writer! Being a first time mummy I think this is going to be my new daily pleasure to read your blog. 🙂 Thank you. xoxo

  21. I have had a crappy day today and those quotes really made me laugh! Thankyou so much! xx

  22. Mummy, Mummy, that’s what you wear on your boobies – walking through the bra section at Kmart.

  23. “Are you my daddy” – that’s gold!

  24. So funny reading these comments, my three year old currently has an obsession with asking everybody if they have a hole in their bottom. I am praying he gets over that one before kinder starts next month!

  25. Renee Mills says

    My 3yo girl constantly calls random people “daddy” as we no longer talk to her dad and she calls my partner by his first name she doesnt understand what this “daddy” word means. We were at a park and i was away from the playground and another dad helped her on the swing and pushed her(a lovely gesture) and i went up to push her myself and she said “no daddys pushing me go away” and again in the supermarket she was in the trolley holding things for me and dropped them a random guy picked them up and handed them to her and she said “thanks daddy”

  26. You should thank your son for his nits announcement, really that could have really freed up the queue in front of you 🙂

  27. Belle Paterson says

    Love the comment about bottling the enthusiasm kids have & turning it into a tonic – so true! Where in the world do they get their get up & go? This is especially true of Miss 4, sometimes I feel exhausted just *watching* her running around. And the inappropriate comments, arrggh! We were shopping the other day when a rather large man walked towards us. I could see Miss 4's brain whirling and as she opened her mouth to voice her thoughts I talked straight over the top of her. So she tried again, and again and again, all the time being drowned out by my inane comments about the lovely weather or some such. She finally managed her [predictable] comment when he was out of ear shot. Oh, children do like to try us, don't they..

    • They try us with their innocence and saying exactly what they see, which can put us in awkaward situations as long as we can have a little giggle later it’s not too bad xx

  28. Tanya Kellard says

    I love being a mummy to my 3 boys, aged 2, 6 and 10. It’s not always easy, but they make me laugh and smile every day. It’s the little things that mean the most x

  29. Ah, cherubs. Sometimes there is such wisdom in the mortifying things they say in public. Sometimes. Afterwards. 🙂

  30. Caroline Childerley says

    This made me smile. Thanks Nat x.

  31. Caroline Childerley says

    This made me smile. Thanks Nat x.

  32. A lovely and thoughtful post! Somehow I have managed to raise my 4 children to adulthood with no apparent ill effects 😉 It has been hard work and the most satisfying job I have ever had. In my work now I support new mums and their families to help them find their own parenting rhythm. I expect in my own life as this hands on parenting chapter closes an new one will begin before too long, that of grandparent, I am excited to see how that will unfold.

    “Motherhood is raw and pure. It is fierce and gentle. It is up and down. It is magic and madness. Single days last forever and years fly by…Be gentle with yourself as you travel, dear mother. Don’t miss the scenery. Don’t miss conversation with your traveling companions. Laugh at the bumps and say ‘ooh, aah!’ on the hairpin turns. Buckle your seat belt. You’re a mum!”
    –Aviva Jill Romm

    • Clare I too love being a mum 🙂 love that you work with families too it is so rewarding. Thank you for sharing the gorgeous ‘Motherhood is raw and pure” xxx

  33. Kate Lloyd says

    This post totally cracked me up with laughter. Thank you for making a new mum feel normal and look forward to the funny future conversations. Great post!

  34. Oh my, that’s hilarious Nathalie!

    Firstly though, I think the transition into becoming a mother is the hardest transition of all. You fight to try and stay the same person that you were but you just can’t be the same. Once you get over that hurdle your home. I think that’s why the second (and in my case and third- twins) were much easier than my first newborn.

    As for the stories, you have some wowzers! I have one really embarassing one where we were in Pumpkin Patch of all places and Miss Poss pulls down her pants and at the top of the lungs yells “Mum, I think I have worms!” I nearly died!

    • Penny with me once I decided to add to the do not sweat it list I felt a wave of relief. I laughed so hard at the worms story I spilt my drink. They certainly come out with the most honest sayings in the most public places xx

  35. Motherhood. You can’t possibly imagine what it’s going to be like. You read every book, watch every video, have lots of friends who are already mum’s and listen to lots and lots of advice…. but you just can’t possibly know until you’re there. Doing it.

    I’m 2 years and 9 months in, with baby #2 on the way. Some days are amazing, fun, positive, energetic and wonderful.

    Some days (like today!) are hard. She is whiney, demanding, I can never seem to do the right thing…. which makes me whiney and demanding … and so it goes on. I’m trying to be mindful about all of this, am even writing a post of it all in my mind as I go. Many of my posts don’t make it any further than that, but it helps to reflect and to put my daughter at the centre of it all – what is going on for her? What can I do to help her? She is the child. I am the adult. I need to remind myself of that a lot!

    I am rambling now. This post made me think a lot! Thank you.

    • I see Motherhood as an ever evolving journey which can change in an instant from one minute to the next.I extend the good moments as much as I can. Hope today because a little less demanding xx

  36. Well said! Love the stories!

  37. haha, too funny! Starting to be feel rather pleased about have had c-sections now, lol. Could be handy in the future 😉 When my little girl was 2 she also used to strip off her clothes (and nappy) while we were out at play centres. I know the feeling! Thanks for the reminder to keep writing them down. 🙂

  38. Absolutely lovely post….it is so hard becoming a Mum and those first few years are tough….love that you brought reality and humour into this post though! I’m still catching up with my sanity after the twins were born!

    • Thank you for your very kind words. I can’t believe how fresh it’s all still in my memories my daughter is now 16 and I’ll be sharing some these stories at her 18th. Sanity can you remind me what that is? Xxx

  39. Oh, I laughed so hard…… such wonderful and funny stories.

    I can certainly relate and this is why I think I laughed so hard. We are all going through the same things as Mums and it is a journey that is both challenging and laugh out loud hilarious with these funny and embarrassing moments.

    It wasn’t until I had kids that I laughed, smiled and cried so much in my life. Somedays…, its most days I have no idea what I am doing but I do know that becoming a Mum was the best thing to happen to me.

  40. Oh this is so funny, I love the hilarious things your kids have said! I am sitting here chuckling away 🙂 So funny!

  41. LOL!! Thanks for making me laugh during my baby’s early morning feed!

  42. Kirrily Whatman says

    So funny, Nat! Loved literally out loud at the big vagina. Oh, mummy…. You describe it in the opening paragraphs perfectly xoxo.

  43. Haha loved this post and totally identify with it! Miss M is only 2 and so I’m starting to worry about all these little ‘outbursts’ that are to come 😉
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  1. […] It changes as they grow. It changes as we grow. It’s totally unique to you and your child. No amount of preparation can make it smooth sailing. There are no guarantees when you have children or warranties or return […]

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